EXT. L.A. - HOLLYWOOD - SCREENWRITER - TWILIGHT

Israel and Palestine Agree One Party to Rule Gaza

2009-06-22T11:05:00.001-07:00

JERUSALEM, Israel - In their first ever Skype videoconference, Israel's Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and Hamas leaders began what appeared to be just another series of veiled insults punctuated by bursts of well-crafted rhetoric. However, Netanyahu noticed a familiar sound drifting over the Skype headset from Hamas headquarters and recognized the beats from an underground house mix by DJ Keoki which had been circulating in the region's discos for at least a month prior.

"When Party, Party (You're the Bomb) came on," said an unidentified Hamas cell leader, "I realized that we had something in common: we liked the same music. We got to talking and realized we hung out at the same clubs and had many of the same friends. But, it was like, totally weird that we hadn't run into each other before! And it became clear that we needed to set aside a millennium of conflict stemming from political and cultural differences and do something fun and peaceful together."

The two nations have agreed to turn the Gaza strip into Eurasia's biggest rave party and decided to kick things off by legalizing ecstasy in the West Bank and distributing free glow-sticks to the first 100,000 people on the dance floor.

In anticipation of opening night, many Israelis and Palestinians, high on e, were lining up near the official entrance to the rave, kissing and licking each other's faces, without any regard to political, ideological or sexual orientation -- a clear sign that the conflict that has plagued this region since the Oslo Accords was coming to a close.

"It's too bad that Arafat is dead," said one raver, "because he totally would have loved this party."

NASA to Chill Beverages with Lunar Ice

2009-06-19T02:35:00.000-07:00

NASA plans to launch the first Apollo mission in 30 years in attempt to find ice on the moon.

If the probe returns with lunar ice samples, the NASA engineers plan to study the effect of Lunar ice on Earth beer.

Stand Up Comedy Date

2009-05-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

May 7th, 2009
The Comedy Store - Main Stage
"Da Nappy Fro Show!"
featuring:
Cathy Lewis
Vargas Mason

and an assortment of minor comics including Mr. Pink, sans 'fro. Still the worst passive aggressive comedian in L.A.

Mr. Pink LIVE @ The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip

2009-04-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

TWO LINERS for 2009.03.29

2009-03-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

In Prescott, Arizona goats have been eating their way through central State deserts as part of a State-sponsored fire prevention effort.

In Southern California, fires have been a major problem recently. A recent firing at Jenny Craig resulted in a cow eating her way through the Hollywood Hills. Eyewitnesses identified the woman as Kirstie Alley.

---

92 year old actor Kirk Douglas has embraced social networking by opening his own myspace page. In Los Angeles, a 65 year old women filed a complaint against KIRK1918 stating "a creepy old man was stalking her".

The Los Angeles judge, however, dismissed the complaint after ruling that myspace is so over, everybody is on Facebook now.

---

In Kentucky, a JUDGE has PLEADED GUILTY to federal charges that he used a computer to entice a minor to engage in sexual activity after chatting online with an undercover officer posing as a teenager.

Said the Judge: "I'm just so glad it was the F.B.I. and not Dateline: To Catch a Predator."

TACO-TACO marriage declared illegal

2009-01-14T01:01:00.000-08:00

Yahoo news today reported that a man and woman were married in a "stress free" ceremony at a Taco Bell restaurant.

Proponents of Proposition 8 staged a demonstration to stop a lesbian couple from conducting a similar ceremony at Taco-Taco.

BUSH BLAMES GLOBAL CONSPIRACY FOR RECESSION

2008-12-17T23:23:00.001-08:00

In an unprecedented display of candor, President Bush today claimed that the recession was the result of a global conspiracy masterminded by his father and the industrial-military complex and that he had "been tapped" as a token figurehead to first destroy, then rescue, the economy. He claimed his puppet administration ran into trouble when Cheney accidentally shredded the secret plan to rescue the economy while performing routine office duties such as destroying evidence of illegal wiretapping and falsifying charges against innocent Muslim-Americans who are now serving time for their country at Guantanamo Bay.

The President further claimed the backup copy of the secret plan had been stored on a NIKON flash memory card that he accidentally erased while taking BFF snapshots with Cheney "clownin' around" in the Oval Office. "We lost the plan to save the economy from collapse but got a great photo of Dick pretending to launch a nuclear arsenal against Ottawa, Canada," he said, "I wanted something memorable from my Presidency to pass along to my kids."

Garner Recovers Final Rimbaldi Artifact

2008-12-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

Michael Wright, a former curator at the Science Museum in London, has built a replica of the 2000 year old machine Antikythera, which he demonstrated in his London flat on the eve of the international Antikythera conference. Jennifer Garner is reported to have rappelled down the wall into Mr. Wright's flat, kickboxed Mr. Wright to the floor without the use of a stunt double and stuffed the Antikythera machine into a black duffel bag before disappearing again, presumably back to the safety of the United States where she is wanted for overacting without a WGA-approved dramatic license. JJ Abrams was unavailable for comment, although he is rumored to be studying the latest Rimbaldi artifact in an underground lab financed by a covert, quasi-governmental organization known only as Alias in syndication forever, or AISF.

Vivid Entertainment Announces latest Starlets

2008-12-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

Vivid Entertainment, a leading provider of upscale adult content, announced it had signed the Women of Enron to a seven picture adult film deal starring Bernard Madoff, former chairman of NASDAQ.

Sources close to the deal say the first movie, titled Anal SEC Probe, is set to start filming in Madoff's swank Manhattan condo before it is seized by Federal prosecutors later this month as part of his indictment proceedings.

US Clinic Celebrates First Face Transplant

2008-12-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

A Cleveland clinic reported it had successfully completed the first complete face transplant in America. On hand to celebrate the historic event was Kathy Griffin who led fellow celebrity Pam Anderson by the handcuffs up the stairs and into surgery.

Virgin Mary bares all for Playboy

2008-12-15T19:56:00.000-08:00

A woman dressed like the virgin mary posed nude on the cover of the Mexican version of Playboy magazine. The magazine issued an apology and reported the Vatican had purchased all the existing copies for their special collections library. A spokesperson for the Vatican declined to comment but sources familiar with the inner workings of the secret city said it was likely that only the Pope would have access to review the pornographic material.

Also in Italy, a manufacturer of specialty hand lotion was said to have completed it's greatest holiday sales quarter on record, selling all it's available inventory to an unnamed buyer in the Vatican.

FORMER NASDAQ CHAIRMAN TO HOST NO-DEAL OR NO-DEAL

2008-12-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

Former NASDAQ chairman Bernard Madoff was in negotiations this week to replace Howie Mandell as the host of the hit TV game show Deal or No Deal.

Madoff reportedly sold the network on the idea of changing the value of the grand prize to fifty billion dollars and using empty briefcases.

American Muslims celebrate by divesting of Real Estate

2008-12-11T04:22:00.000-08:00

President-elect Barack Obama announced an initiative to make peace with the international Muslim community.

Many American Muslims celebrated by divesting of their oceanfront homes which financial experts say will cause a crisis in the real estate markets of Guantanamo Bay.

Jet Crashes into San Diego

2008-12-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

An American military pilot slammed his F-16 fighter jet into a suburban San Diego neighborhood killing a family of three in what Pentagon officials are calling the worst terrorist threat to homeland security since Bush took office.

President-elect Obama wants to reboot America

2008-11-25T04:19:00.000-08:00

President-elect Obama wants to reboot America's global reputation, leading to speculation that the Whitehouse has plans to switch to Mac when Obama takes office in January.

PRESIDENT BUSH IN THEATERS WITH STONE FILM

2008-11-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

With the election looming and President Bush's popularity at an all-time low, Oliver Stone's latest movie about The Bush Administration is in theaters this week. President Bush was also in theaters taking in a double feature of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and High School Musical 3.

CLOSURE

2008-09-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

David Mamet said the same thing about screenplays. The neurosis of the viewer brings it's own closure to the words on the page. In essence, it sees it's own duck.

Click on the image to the right to see the Japanese Professor that designed it.

I, Adaptation

2008-09-14T11:51:00.001-07:00

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY

AN OFFICE PHONE on the desk, answers A CALL which leaves VOICE MAIL.

WOMAN (O.S.)

Dr. Graham, I'd like to schedule an emergency session.

LATER

A MAN AND WOMAN, a couple, sit a safe distance apart on a LOVE SEAT covered in TIGER SKIN FUR.

THE THERAPIST in a Sex in the City, Sarah Jessica Parker eat-your-heart-out, black, cocktail dress.

THERAPIST

I have about 30 minutes. I need to be at the Hollywood Bowl by 8pm. What's on your mind?

THERAPIST (V.O.)

We have a saying here in marriage counselling.

MAN

Shelly won't blow me anymore. If you love somebody, you go down on them. Everybody knows that.

THERAPIST (V.O.)

A blow job from your wife will cost you $100.

WOMAN

When Rick and I were first married, he licked my Brazilian waxing at least twice a day. I got that landing strip for his benefit -- now, it's like he has a fear of flying!

MAN (V.O.)

Flying is fine, landing is nausea...

MAN

As an air traffic controller, anything that reminds me of work is just a turn-off. You can understand that!

THERAPIST (V.O.)

A blow job from a hooker will cost you $300.

WOMAN

I know men -- and it only means one thing.

THE THERAPIST nods gravely.

WOMAN

He's getting it somewhere else.

THERAPIST

Rick, would you like to respond to that?

RICK pulls out a PINK INDEX CARD.

MAN

I'd like to play my Pink Card and schedule a 30 minute private session with you.

THERAPIST (V.O.)

A blow job from your therapist costs $150.00 an hour...

WOMAN

Finally! Progress.

LATER

THE WOMAN is gone. THE THERAPIST is sprawled on the TIGER SKIN LOVE SEAT, her legs splayed wide.

THERAPIST (V.O.)

...but your wife will insist on paying the bill.

THE MAN'S LOWER BODY is visible, HIS HEAD DEEP UNDER the PARTY DRESS.

Taking Notes, A Lesser Known Technique

2008-09-13T10:47:00.001-07:00

As a rule, I take notes from just about anyone. But ultimately, the best source of notes are the gatekeepers. Readers, managers, secretaries, PAs. Whoever is turning the pages looking for the magic slugline that will catapult their talent toward the brass ring. The problem is, they don't send you (me) notes. They send your notes along, but naturally, don't cc you with their commentary. The good news is -- it doesn't matter. It all comes down to an under-appreciated skill I like to call technical remote viewing.

Way back in the mid-nineties, some friends and I were doing our best to recreate the conditions at Andy Warhol's factory. Once we even had a nutjob who walked through our loft brandishing a loaded firearm, threatening to shoot whoever looked at him wrong. Or maybe it was something else. But I digress.

The point is, we had a big loft and a lot of weirdos wandering through. One day, a cute little weirdo with a shag-top wandered into my life through the door to that loft. I can't think of her name at this moment, but what I do remember is that she had some unusual skills and education, the least of which was that she had studied technical remote viewing.

Up until that moment, I hadn't heard of it, but naturally, it piqued my interest. Or maybe it was the way she wore her Ray-Bans. Does it matter? In any event, using Lennon's (related) technique from Dig a Pony, I syndicated her rowing technique.

I pick a moon dog
Well, you can radiate everything you are
yes, you can radiate everything you are
Oh now!

I roll a stoney
Well, you can imitate everyone you know
Yes, you can imitate everyone you know

I guess, in retrospect, I helped her switch boyfriends and she taught me RV. Last I heard, she and her Johnny Depp lookalike were restaging Easy Rider in the mountains of San Luis Obisbo. I wish them well.

RV comes in handy for taking notes on scripts. I send my scripts to the coolest people I can think of, and take notes via TRV. It's better than coverage because ink and symbols are an impoverished pidgin language for the mind's eye.

Picking up the Pilot

2008-09-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's pilot and season premiere time. Some disappointments for sure. Prison Break is one of them. I think moving the show to L.A. was probably great for the budget, but the midwest prison from S1 was a key character in the story. Does nobody but me think the success of LOST (a favorite of mine) is partly due to shooting in Hawaii? I guess the counter-example is Alias (not a favorite of mine). Speaking of JJ & friends, Fringe did not fail to disappoint. Entourage remains a great educational program. But not on the subject of romancing the ladies. For that we need to defer to Neil Strauss. I'm glad they're winding up The Shield. True Blood has some great acting and directing, but the premise is thin.

Looking forward to Californication, and am totally getting sucked into Stargate: Atlantis, after having watched the first season on DVD. Maybe I'm infected with the Goa'uld. God knows I am surrounded by Wraith. Glad to see somebody is milking the space vampire concept for all it is worth.

On the reading front, I recently read the scripts for Wanted and Next (Philip K Dick adaptation). I have a SciFi spec out and reading those scripts gave me, if nothing else, increased confidence in my own writing. Most of the great screen moments in the Wanted blockbuster were not in the original script.

She Set Fire to my Trailer

2008-08-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

THE TRAILER

From late 2002 to mid-2005, after I split from my stripper-wife in Austin, I lived within walking distance of the Mexico border just outside of San Diego. The scenery was much like the shots from the recent Weeds episodes. I used to mountain bike up and down the dirt roads the Border Patrol used to hunt Mexicans.

In one of my screenplays I have a sequence that involves someone burning their trailer in order to make a break from the past. The idea comes from a Kabir poem that I used to keep on my office door in the mid-90s.

Kabir Poem

I set fire to my house and abandoned it, taking only a stick with me. May only he who is ready to burn his house follow me!

My crazy screenplay looks like a straight Hollywood parody, but it's actually about the zen tradition of crazy wisdom. The house-burning theme is prevalent in many zen traditions, including the more somber ones.

Pop zen is used to sell everything at Whole Foods from lotions to cereal, so I figured real zen could be used to sell a screenplay. The most useful notion in Buddhism is "as you see it, so it is."

Biohazard Discharge

2008-08-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

AN EXCERPT from a pulpy bio I pounded out this morning.

SCREENWRITER (V.O.)

A good script is like the outfit that turns my head at Miami Beach. Mostly thin strands of black spaghetti with enough black patches to cover the things that you want to see later, with plenty of angles and coverage, in the privacy of a dark room. Dialog should be limited to whatever it takes to convince her to do it with the camera running. One word too many -- and -- in the morning that art deco room will reek of cheap, slippery hand lotion and the zen of one hand slapping. Like every wannabe screenplayer south of Sunset Blvd., my heart beats a little bit faster for that one dame, that femme fatale, who knows when I should quit talking so I don't have to. That's right. She lives in a dank room stacked high with 20lb bond and 1" solid brass brads. She finishes my sentences. She dots my eyes. And crosses my tees. And best of all, she's JD Magna Cum Laude from Stanford Law. Neither of us has any real reason to be doing this. And that makes three of us, counting the late, great Billy Wilder.

I rewrote my LOST parody script. I kept having this recurring dream, no doubt due to the mysterious powers of The Island. Yes, The Island told me to rewrite my script. And now, it's a thoroughly post-modern script, self-cleaning oven, the whole bit. So I won't be tempted.

Biomass Discharge

2008-08-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

A Biographical Sketch Curiously Devoid of Facts
I wanted to make a movie. But first I had to learn about this elusive discipline called screenplaywriting. I trekked across the frozen north, walking the Alaska highway from Mile Zero in Dawson Creek to the Arctic Circle. From there, I attempted a winter crossing of the Bering Strait wearing nothing but a Speedo and a pair of ice skates. I had to regroup after succumbing to frostbite and losing all feeling in my little Canadian penis. But not necessarily in that order. When finally I arrived at the Shaolin Temple I learned that Syd Field had already returned to his Westwood dojo, but not before leaving the secret teaching of the Shadowless Scene to Master Tyle, the Scottish abbot-in-residence of the zen monastery. Renowned for introducing Earl Grey to diehard Oolong devotees. That's him. Unfortunately, I did not know the secret handshake and so after realizing oneness with Sifu Tyle, I braved the blazing inferno formed by the celphone discharge of thousands of young UCLA coeds. Or maybe it was discharged by the other heat-generating unit that comes as standard equipment on your average california girl. HELL is just another word for low-cut jeans. Lucky for me, I developed an immunity to all things mighty tight while attempting to seduce a pilates instructor in Miami. From my hideout in the high desert near Julian. Using nothing but Amazon.com and an internet connection. But I digress.

When I was a kid I read every book in the Tom Swift series. I'm a fan of Kilgore Trout, Wide Open Beaver and plastic coated ankles and legs.

I had a hobby writing pulpy tech articles for geeky magazines until a stuttering Russian/psychic vampire got all up on my bubblebutt and sucked the fun out of it. I don't know about you, but when I sell my first script in the post-WGA-strike feeding frenzy, I'm going to buy the Zipp-Fizz factory. Even if it means hostile takeover. I heard cocaine gives you nose bleeds. I wouldn't know. Zipp Fizz is cheap, comes conveniently sized for slipping in and out of her fall Prada and won't give you any trouble with the cops when you're driving north, all fizzed-up, in the carpool lane on 405-S from the barista gig at Coffeebean (Rodeo & Wilshire) to the bachelor/screenwriter/craftservice pad in Van Nuys.

When I'm feeling bored, I take an unmarked screenplay and a box of crayola$ to the yellow restaurant at the downtown Standard Hotel and draw astrological symbols on the odd-numbered pages in red crayon. When the waitress/actress comes by to flirt, as she is wont to do, I tell her I am doing uncredited script doctoring for M Night Shyamalan to support the five children I sired with an infertile Amsterdam callgirl named, curiously enough, Kim. Sounds tough, I know, but it turns out the kids have a gift for sluglines. I email them high-concept loglines rejected by Bob Kosberg and over the next 33 days, they TXT me completed screenplays, one scene at a time, from their pink Nokia/linux smartphones. Eurorail. Wiesbaden. The underground rave scene in Prague. Wherever their mom happens to be stationed. There they write to me -- and -- for me -- in shots and story beats. Which is the way god intended. Forget trying to YIM with the modern teen in anglicized hiphop idioms culled from repeated tivo'd Chris Rock reruns. PS. I put all the extraneous exposition right here so I won't be tempted to put it in a script. A good script is like the outfit that turns my head at Miami Beach. Mostly thin strands of black spaghetti with enough black patches to cover the things that you want to see later, with plenty of angles and coverage, in the privacy of a dark room. Dialog should be limited to whatever it takes to convince her to do it with the camera running. One word too many and -- in the morning that art deco room will reek of cheap, slippery hand lotion and the sound of one hand slapping. Like every wannabe screenplayer south of Sunset Blvd., my heart beats a little bit faster for that one dame, that femme fatale, who knows when to quit talking so I don't have to. That's right. She lives in a dank room stacked high with 20lb bond and 1" solid brass brads. She finishes my sentences. She dots my eyes. And crosses my tees. And best of all, she's JD Magna Cum Laude from Stanford Law. Neither of us has any real reason to be doing this. And that makes three of us, counting the late, great Billy Wilder.

Script Formatting

2008-08-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

NOTE: This post refers to spec screenplays or my write-to-direct scripts. If hiring me to write a script, you can provide a sample script as an example of how you want your script formatted.

There's a lot of information bouncing around about how to format a script. I have experimented with a variety of styles, but, after attempting to build a shotlist for my own "Thank you for Smoking" formatted screenplay, I decided to revisit some of the more classic styles used in the 70s. Subsequently, I choose to write visually and when writing action sequences, call out shots in ALL CAPS.

If you find this disturbing you can either move to the next script in your reading pile or put in an offer on my script. If it turns out that I like your offer as much as you like my screenplay (formatting notwithstanding), I'll be happy to re-write the script, removing all the shots and if you so desire, call out important information with ♥♥♥ PINK HEARTS ♥♥♥ or any other visual device you may prefer.

But make no mistake, it's a preference, not an absolute.

I know some professional readers and have read their screenplays. I'm all GOOD HERE.

I just finished reading an interesting little book on screenwriting filled with recommendations from an "industry pro". I really liked the fact that she copied entire chapters from Syd Field's work without any sort of attribution. I guess it made it easier to write her book. After all, thinking for yourself is such hard work.

MEANWHILE, I'll continue to write my scripts as if I will end up directing them.

Joe Eszterhas

2008-07-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

I was fortunate to read both David Mamet's Bambi vs. Godzilla and Joe Eszterhas' Devil's Guide to Hollywood in the same week. A week long since past. In particular, Eszterhas had specific recommendations about how to take a meeting in Hollywood, you know, so you don't end up giving your best ideas away for free. Syd Field mentioned that he had served as an expert witness for Mr. Eszterhas on his litigation. And Devil's was written long after his lawsuit. My favorite aspect of Devil's is that it is a fast read. My second favorite aspect of it is how he hurrah!hurrah!hurrah!-Z the past writers who have successfully bitch-slapped the suits. My third favorite aspect of the book is the description of how he sold an outline for million$.

And of course, there's the pitchmeister, Bob Kosberg, who told me, if you want to keep your ideas from being stolen, pitch to everyone. So naturally, anytime I think something good is probably going to be clipped, I pitch it to Bob.

The best part of Joe's book is, naturally enough, the last two pages. Which is approximately two minutes of screen time.

DIALOGUE POLISH

2008-06-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

With WALL·E rolling in with the big box office numbers this month, my phone is ringing off the hook for dialog polish work for computer-based character screenplays. Any Hollywood Reader will tell you how important dialog is to a good movie. And yes, with the release of WALL·E -- the five hundred pages of coverage they've written to that effect -- well, let's just say nobody will be arguing with them once the PDF gets pushed up onto thedailyscript.

You think I'm joking, but here's a sample polish I did for my own edification on the WALL·E script:

EXT. DYSTOPIC URBAN LANDSCAPE - DAY

WALL·E AND EVA discuss WALL·E and Eva.

WALL·E

Eeeva.

EVA

Wally?

WALL·E

Eva!

EVA

Wally.

WALL·E

Eva?

EVA

Wally!

Now, is that a fast read or what?

To my mind, the best script of the year thus far would have to be the screenplay for Presto, the short film that airs before WALL·E. That little clip had more laughs than Get Smart and Zohan combined.

POST-MODERN SCRIPT

2008-06-04T07:12:00.001-07:00

Yes, you too can write the post-modern script. What I'm talking about is a screenplay that itself refers to, or uses elements from the craft of screenwriting - either tacitly or explicitly or both. At it's best, the post-modern screenplay results in Adaptation. At it's worst, The Lucky Slevin. And somewhere in between, The Brick.

The Lucky Slevin is a screenwriting class in a movie. But nobody says it's a good education or a good movie. Not only does the narrator's voice immediately harken back to the golden age of noir, the voiceover also provides informative screenwriting tips. For example, the discussion of the inciting incident, something the voiceover draws to our attention, you know, just in case we're too busy listening to the voiceover to be watching the movie. And not to ignore the ACT III color commentary, when Slevin's voiceover goes to the trouble of explaining how every plotline comes to a neat and tidy resolution by the end of the film. I heard a rumour that the DVD comes packaged with Slevin Cole's Notes including a handy plot flowchart for the hard of reading. Wow, is that edgy filmmaking or what?

Tom Lazarus has a term for this "style". He calls it Morris the Explainer. His book is a lively read.

I hope they gave the production designer an Oscar. After watching that movie I went out and got myself a Bridget Riley-inspired OpArt bedspread and eBayyed myself some retro Trojans from the 1970s. No guarantees if the spermicidial lubricant on those puppies has any kill left in it, but hey, it's the seventies, sexual liberation is the word of the decade and condoms weren't so much a right as a priviledge.

Slevin: How to get your script read in Hollywood by including inside jokes that only Hollywood readers will "get", disarming their sadomasochistic need to pound your script with unwarranted negative coverage, thereby propelling your pulpy work beyond the gatekeepers into the stratospheric nether-regions of greenlightsville.

TRUE LOVE, aka LIGHTNING

2008-05-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

True love is like a lightning bolt -- if you ask me -- it hits you with an intensity -- one does not expect it. If the two struck are willing participants, it creates an arc between the universe/god and their lives which hastens their evolution in every aspect that I know of. Willing being the key word. In my experience, the unwilling easily trade the gift for lesser experiences, or are talked out of the journey by those confidants claiming to be more knowledgeable or experienced, yet are harboring hidden feelings of competitive jealousy or other fascinating subtext that is sure to skewer new lovers before dropping them into the pit of despair.

True love is a great plotline.