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2008-12-17
EXT. BUSH BLAMES GLOBAL CONSPIRACY FOR RECESSION - TWILIGHT

In an unprecedented display of candor, President Bush today claimed that the recession was the result of a global conspiracy masterminded by his father and the industrial-military complex and that he had "been tapped" as a token figurehead to first destroy, then rescue, the economy. He claimed his puppet administration ran into trouble when Cheney accidentally shredded the secret plan to rescue the economy while performing routine office duties such as destroying evidence of illegal wiretapping and falsifying charges against innocent Muslim-Americans who are now serving time for their country at Guantanamo Bay.

The President further claimed the backup copy of the secret plan had been stored on a NIKON flash memory card that he accidentally erased while taking BFF snapshots with Cheney "clownin' around" in the Oval Office. "We lost the plan to save the economy from collapse but got a great photo of Dick pretending to launch a nuclear arsenal against Ottawa, Canada," he said, "I wanted something memorable from my Presidency to pass along to my kids."

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EXT. Garner Recovers Final Rimbaldi Artifact - TWILIGHT

Michael Wright, a former curator at the Science Museum in London, has built a replica of the 2000 year old machine Antikythera, which he demonstrated in his London flat on the eve of the international Antikythera conference. Jennifer Garner is reported to have rappelled down the wall into Mr. Wright's flat, kickboxed Mr. Wright to the floor without the use of a stunt double and stuffed the Antikythera machine into a black duffel bag before disappearing again, presumably back to the safety of the United States where she is wanted for overacting without a WGA-approved dramatic license. JJ Abrams was unavailable for comment, although he is rumored to be studying the latest Rimbaldi artifact in an underground lab financed by a covert, quasi-governmental organization known only as Alias in syndication forever, or AISF.

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EXT. Vivid Entertainment Announces latest Starlets - TWILIGHT

Vivid Entertainment, a leading provider of upscale adult content, announced it had signed the Women of Enron to a seven picture adult film deal starring Bernard Madoff, former chairman of NASDAQ.

Sources close to the deal say the first movie, titled Anal SEC Probe, is set to start filming in Madoff's swank Manhattan condo before it is seized by Federal prosecutors later this month as part of his indictment proceedings.

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2008-12-16
EXT. US Clinic Celebrates First Face Transplant - TWILIGHT

A Cleveland clinic reported it had successfully completed the first complete face transplant in America. On hand to celebrate the historic event was Kathy Griffin who led fellow celebrity Pam Anderson by the handcuffs up the stairs and into surgery.

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2008-12-15
EXT. Virgin Mary bares all for Playboy - TWILIGHT

A woman dressed like the virgin mary posed nude on the cover of the Mexican version of Playboy magazine. The magazine issued an apology and reported the Vatican had purchased all the existing copies for their special collections library. A spokesperson for the Vatican declined to comment but sources familiar with the inner workings of the secret city said it was likely that only the Pope would have access to review the pornographic material.

Also in Italy, a manufacturer of specialty hand lotion was said to have completed it's greatest holiday sales quarter on record, selling all it's available inventory to an unnamed buyer in the Vatican.

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2008-12-13
EXT. FORMER NASDAQ CHAIRMAN TO HOST NO-DEAL OR NO-DEAL - TWILIGHT

Former NASDAQ chairman Bernard Madoff was in negotiations this week to replace Howie Mandell as the host of the hit TV game show Deal or No Deal.

Madoff reportedly sold the network on the idea of changing the value of the grand prize to fifty billion dollars and using empty briefcases.

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2008-12-11
EXT. American Muslims celebrate by divesting of Real Estate - TWILIGHT

President-elect Barack Obama announced an initiative to make peace with the international Muslim community.

Many American Muslims celebrated by divesting of their oceanfront homes which financial experts say will cause a crisis in the real estate markets of Guantanamo Bay.

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2008-12-10
EXT. Jet Crashes into San Diego - TWILIGHT

An American military pilot slammed his F-16 fighter jet into a suburban San Diego neighborhood killing a family of three in what Pentagon officials are calling the worst terrorist threat to homeland security since Bush took office.

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